He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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