So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize