I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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