I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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