It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
