I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
