Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
