it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
