you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
