Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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