3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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