i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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