Already got asked if we're dating
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
