My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
