Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Are we still banned from the library?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
