you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize