Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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