I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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