my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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