Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
