I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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