If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
