are you still at the devil's house?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
