tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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