I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
