Ketchup is God's man juice
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize