the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
