I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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