the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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