If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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