This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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