I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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