how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize