You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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