I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
