believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize