I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
did i just pee glitter
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
