My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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