I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
