I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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