I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
