i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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