I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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