My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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