My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
