i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
