Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
