Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
