Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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