dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
