I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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