I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
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