Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
