I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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