I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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