Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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