Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize