my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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