I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
