I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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