she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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