What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
