how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
