You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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