just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
