The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
